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When home is not so sweet

giovedì, giugno 07, 2012


Life is hard. Everyone know that.
Sometimes is a bit hard, sometimes is very hard. Sometimes is too hard.
If there's one thing that I'm really unable to do is waiting. And that's exactly what I have to do now, because there's nothing I can do to to make my life easier.
The problem is that I'm trying to do my best from january, doing everything I can to turn my world in the right way. And I did.
But now, now there's nothing more to do, but wait.
Waiting means have patience, have self controle, to be strong even when the pain is strong and the hope begins to crumble. 
Everyone also know that when life is hard, there's always something that made life even more difficult. I talking about choices.
Today my difficult decision to take is: go or not to Italy, my country.
I plan to came back to my city once a year, to see my family and my friends, to enjoy my old life style. This year even this trip seems impossible.
Well, nothing is impossible, I know, but... but this time I have to much stuff to think about.
I have to travel alone (once again), I have a short time to spend there and two long flights to do. I have to choice to live my husband alone here, in Brazil. He is different from me, he don't even care about Italy. I have to choice to go, when the adoption's psychologist tell us that we can go, if we "must", but we have to tell them.
I have fear. I really have.
I'm afraid to give up something unnecessarily. I'm afraid to find life easier in Italy. I'm afraid to loose my chance to be called from social workers, although we are not yet officially a waiting family. I'm afraid to be selfish towards my husband. I'm afraid to take the wrong decision.
It is not the best time to travel for sure, but at the same time is the only moment I have. After that it takes a long time before I can go home. The adoption will be a long jurney, motherhood as well. Next year we are also planning to have a biological child [maybe double, depends on the way they will come!!!]. So... there's always something to do, something more important.
I'm tired. Probably this is the point. This past half year is been really heavy in all direction and I don't really know if it's better for myself to have a break in my born city or here, in the present with my actual life.
From the begining of this 2012 I have always had clear ideas about what to do: life, work, adoption!!! and for the very first time I feel confused, about the choice less important.
I would like everything in the right place at the right time, but sometimes it's just impossible. 
Maybe I want the moon... and I know that I'll not stop until I got she in my hand.
That's just me and and I do not know another way to live.

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